TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be incredible. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed through the putting eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the ideal. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally out of position. Made by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable water. But yes, confident, let's have One more position the place American Adult men can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When earlier negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: offer Absolutely everyone a collection over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is comfortable electrical power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a war zone. It can be that he really should halt applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the project, replied, "You recognize, male, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good folks. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping forms a large Trump head obvious from space, a aspect becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as the chin is… well, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It really is not only unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Baffling Functions


Perhaps the strangest ingredient with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where attendees may contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, full with climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing System: "If You Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The ad marketing campaign, lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Eternally."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the closest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is by now attracting awareness from Intercontinental buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will also include things like:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to determine a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort the place my PTSD may have convert-down company."


Yet another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Studies suggest:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to build a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Remaining Thoughts from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It required gold. It essential a waterslide shaped just like the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You're welcome."

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